Don’t you find that every once in a while, no matter how calm you may be, situations and circumstances build up, and you just find yourself in an emotional outburst? That happened to me, today. I call these moments “emotional zits,” because things build up over time and then, all of the sudden, and sometimes without warning, there we are – screaming – not at anyone in particular, but just screaming at the top of our lungs. Sometimes these moments don’t involve yelling words, but actually screaming. It doesn’t feel good at the moment, especially because I grew up in a household where screaming was pretty common. The screaming I’m speaking of is a primal release into the Cosmic Universe of life.
A few weeks ago, I went to the chiropractor for a solution to a sciatic issue I had after lifting a box that was too heavy. After attempting energy healing, hot baths, ice, heating pads, and acupuncture, I finally went to the chiropractor. I don’t have anything against them; I just have a strong reaction to adjustments. So, I reluctantly went in, got on the table, and had a very, for lack of a better phrase, strong maneuver done to my root chakra. The next thing I knew, I was vomiting all over the floor. The nurse placed me on a table where I lay sweating for a solid thirty minutes. I never sweat – even when I’m working out. So, I knew something huge and old had released from my body. I left shaking and feeling weak. As instructed, I drank wheatgrass and drove to a park where I sat under a tree for an hour.
Tried as I may, I could not ground myself into the earth, and it felt frustrating. Anger that I had never felt before rose to the surface. I don’t like anger, and will do just about anything to avoid it. Actually, it’s not so much anger that repulses me, it’s the reaction to anger I witnessed as a child. It scares me tremendously. So, today when I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs, I also felt fearful. Am I a bad person for yelling? Am I hurting anyone by this outburst even though it’s not directed at anyone? All of these questions came pouring through my mind, and it actually stopped me from going through the entire process of anger that I really feel needed to happen. I remained sitting underneath the tree attempting to ground, but I couldn’t do it because I wasn’t finished with the process of the anger surfacing. I wasn’t examining it. I refused to ask the anger questions such as, “Where have you been; Where did you come from; How did you originate; Are you necessary for my growth?”
Often times we are in touch with our emotions, but as soon as we really take the time to feel them, if they are too much, we shut them back off again. This can be with any feeling that brings fear alongside it. It’s so interesting, the awareness of emotion. It has so much to teach us about ourselves. If we were taught as children to suppress our emotions, they will come out sooner or later. This is what has been happening since my adjustment. I had this anger that just wouldn’t stop surfacing. It’s like trying to dig a hole while it’s pouring down rain. It just can’t be done. The rain comes and fills up the hole; you dig more, but the rain will bring the mud right back into the open space again. Then it just becomes a sludgy mess and you can’t keep your footing because everything is too messy. You slide and keep digging until you finally realize that it’s a useless fight against nature. This is exactly how suppressing emotions works because, eventually, the emotions will give into the fact that they can’t fight nature, and they will surface with a fury.
When I lost my son through adoption, even though it was my choice, it was still one of the most painful losses I’ve ever experienced. I was standing in a Winn Dixie grocery store one afternoon just before Christmas. It was a closed adoption, so it was a death to me. I remember I hadn’t cried very much because I was so afraid if I started crying I would never stop. Much to my surprise, “Oh Holy Night” came on over the sound system. I was standing in aisle 11 looking for pumpkin in a can. The next thing I remember is a woman with her hand on my back. I was just twenty years old and stood convulsing in tears. My son was gone forever and, at the time, I thought I would never see him again. I vomited right there on her shoes. I was angry, hurt, devastated, but there is no funeral or service for a baby you lose through adoption. As a matter of fact, no one wants to talk about it – especially in 1985. I was an embarrassment to my mother and her family. I was an embarrassment to myself. After I cried that day, though, I never had to cry that hard again. The top layer of my pain was removed because I asked my emotions the right questions, and they answered me. I had done the right thing for my son. His family was experiencing the greatest joy in life because of my sacrifice. He was doing well. I would go on to live my life, and have a child in the right time, with the right person, in the right place. Because I denied myself the opportunity to feel up to that point, even though all those things were said by others, I didn’t believe them and I couldn’t feel them because I was attempting to dig a hole in the pouring down rain. Once I put the shovel down, and actually spoke honestly to my heartache, I could hear the truth.
I found myself back at this place today. I’ve been angry for seven years. I have been angry about the same issue for seven years. I’ve put lipstick on it, and logic, too. I have talked myself out of feeling angry time and again. I have even told myself that the anger isn’t justified, but the truth is I was betrayed by the very people that were supposed to have sheltered me, and because of their betrayal, it has caused me a lot of grief. So, I made a huge decision today, and I am going to follow through with it because it is my right to know the rest of my family or to, at least, attempt it and it really is no one else’s business. This has been outrageously freeing today.
I’ve lied to myself that it’s about work, my career, other people, financial struggle, and every other possible cause I could come up with for this anger. The truth is this anger is old and it’s not going to go away until I put a cause to action and do what I need to do for me. Too often, so many of us are trained to self-sacrifice in our lives. Why? It’s usually to protect someone else. Another person needs for us to behave a certain way so that they feel safe. Well, while that may be valid for some circumstances, this is not one of those. Do you have a similar struggle? Are you suppressing what needs to be done in your own life for fear of hurting someone else? Are your emotions being suppressed because you refuse to ask them the right questions? Jesus says, “Knock and the door shall be opened. Ask and it shall be given unto you.” Many times we are not asking the right questions nor are we knocking on the right doors. Gandhi taught us , “Be the change we want to see in the world.” He wasn’t talking about the huge world. He was talking about your small world you live in right now.
Tomorrow I will take a huge step and finally reach out to a family that doesn’t know I exist. Well, that’s probably not even true, but it’s another lie I have been told. My anger needs for me to do this with love and with no expectation. I am reaching out for me. I am reaching out for my healthy survival. I am showing my anger that it is valid and actively apologizing to it for neglecting it. I am living in emotion – energy = motion. I am putting into motion the only solution my soul has for my own healing. It’s a huge, scary, vulnerable step, but I know more than ever that, if nothing else, the rain will stop, and I will be able to dig the hole that’s needed to, at last, put this in its final resting place.
Namaste and Much Love Always!